WORST GUITAR SOLOS EVER - By Jeff Findley

Hey fellas,

It's another rockin' Friday night of sitting in front of my computer drinking beer, so I thought I'd take a sec to fill you in on the results of this weeks poll of "worst guitar solo" ever. This is a topic as old as time, and not one to be taken lightly.

Here are the results, with analysis...

My distinquished colleage Mckay picked Neil Young's  exploits in "Southern Man", and as anyone who's ever tipped back a few beers with him can attest, this comes as no surprise. I however (as usual) have to disagree, because note choice aside, the rhythmic element of the solo is downright infectious. In fact, I heard it on the radio this afternoon, and I'm still infected.

My good friend Mr. Craig Martin brought up a very interesting one which I haven't heard, and frankly I'm not entirely sure that I want to. Has anyone heard Mariah Carey's version of Def Leppard's "Bringin' on the Heartache"? Great band, great song, but the very idea of an interpretation of what is arguably the world's first power ballad by any of VH1's "divas" is enough to make me look at firearms in a whole new way. Apparently Dave Navarro plays a solo on this version. And while Dave is in the words Flea "one hell of a rock guitar player", I can't imagine anyone being able to salvage what I can only imagine what this must sound like.

Bassist extraordinaire John Saccoman offers up several catastrophic attempts at improvisation. Frst the solo to the Byrds classic "Eight Miles High". Instead of adding my own commentary, I will copy & paste his here...

"My vote for worst recorded guitar solo goes to good ol' Roger McGuinn for that travesty of slop and overstepping of one's fretboard mastery not once, but twice in "Eight Miles High".  Great harmonies, cool melody line, killer changes...put down the bong and grab a method book, you 12-string hatchet-job freak!!!!

The following is how the first solo in "Eight Miles High" would sound if I could descibe it better in an e-mail...

DEEEEEEEEEE...DE..DE DEEEEEEEEEEEE....DE DE, DEDE DE DE DE skack a skidly squeak, skak a de skak skiddly sskak skakkakkkssskkkak kk kk kk kk kk... followed by one of the most poorly executed trills that my dead arthritic grand mother could have done better with her toes...after she died."

Ouch. He also expressed regret at the fact that I excluded keyboard solos...

"I wish that you would open the floor to synth, so that the frightfully inappropriate "Lucky Man" solo by ELP could be included for it's shrill, overbearing what-the-hell-was-that-iness.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-BEDILY-BEEDEE-BEEDEE-BEEDEE-BEEDEE-BEEDEEEEEEEE-BEE DEE
BEE DEE BEE DEE BEE BEE BEE BEE BBBBBBBEEEEEEE UWEEEEEEE UWEEEEEEEE UWEEEEEE
UWEEEEEE  PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT  WU WU WUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

PTTPTPPP      PTTTPTPTPTP        PTPTPTPPTPTP"

Don't mince words, Johnny, tell us how you really feel! He didn't like Vernon Reid's solo in Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" either, but he's just plain wrong about that.

The ever controversial Chris McDowell offered up the following thoughts...

"1. Solo from "Oh Sherry" by Steve Perry. How delightfully devoid of anything creative, awe-inspiringly awful.

2. Solo to "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix. That's right, Hendrix. This is the same guy who knocks my dick in the dirt on "Red House" and the Band of Gypsys live album and that's was the best he could come up with? Supremely disappointing.

3. Solo to "Even Flow" by Pearl Jam. Awful, just awful. That song is bone crushing and then the solo stops it dead in its tracks.

4. Solo to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana. How creative. (Smell that? It's sarcasm.)

5. The Outro to "Working Man" by Rush. Take a truly kick-ass song and screw it up with a truly derivative and amateurish ending."

And my reactions...

1. Remember the song, but not the solo. It probably blows...

2. Come on man, Hendrix? Disappointing, maybe, but among the worst of all time?

3. Tiresome, but ultimately unworthy of recognition on the list...

4. I'm sorry, but if only because of the cool-assed tone I have to disagree with this one.

5. Rush is by far the most joyless music I've encountered in my 31 years on this planet, and I heartily endorse this selection, or any other from our three friends in the People's Republic of Canada.

Mr. Bryan "Yes, it's Austrian" Neumeister offered the following obscure, but intriguing offering...

"1. Bonzo Dog Band - Canyons of your Mind!

Truly a room clearer ! - though intentional, by a band that was, well, One of a kind."

I haven't heard it, and I'm sure it sucks tremendously, but I'm not sure if we can permit entries that blow with intention. Developing...

My man D-Rock Neilsen eerily echoes some of my own sentiments in his selection of The Cult's cover of "Born to be Wild". For years I have expressed profound disbelief that such a solo could exist, and ultimately gave rise to a theory of mine. I call it the "Pabst Blue Ribbon Theory of Quality", while in some circles it is referred to as the "Mickey Rooney Effect". Under the PBR theory, quality is circular. Therefore when something reaches a certain, as yet not clearly defined level of shittiness, it emerges as pure greatness. This solo falls into this category, and is therefore disqualified. Great call, though, D.

This brings me to my selections, and I hope you'll let me know what you think. Guitar solos, good and bad, are something I spend a lot of time thinking about. As far as bad ones are concerned, I can't decide between these two.

1. "Susie Q", by Creedence. I love Creedence, and I love this song, but somebody needs to tell this son-of-a-bitch that he has as much business playing guitar solos as Ralph Nader has running the country. A pristine example of the "Key of 12th fret" mentality that I battle every day as a guitar instructor. A veritable clinic in what not to do as an improviser. This song also represents what may be the oddest production quality of any contemporary song I've ever heard. The drums and vocals are both panned 100 percent dead assed right, while the left speaker emits the rhythm guitar and the sheer horror that is the guitar solo. Oh yeah and the "oooohs" that come in after the second solo, which don't seem like they could possibly have been intended for placement in this song. So why do I like this song so much? Must be the Pabst...

2. "Sympathy for the Devil". I don't know what the fuck my hero Jimmy Page (one of his many session dates) was listening to through the headphones when he tracked this ass-fest. Hell, maybe it was "Susie Q", but it certainly couldn't have been what is without question one of the greatest rock songs ever written. This solo stands out not only for it's misplaced phrasing, horrible intonation, and tone that... my God I can't even describe this tone, but predominantly for the contrast between amazing song and shitty solo. This is the reason I don't believe that a song as lame as "Oh Sherry" qualifies, because the shittiness of the song doesn't really let the shittiness of the solo take effect, but this one.... Whew.

In closing, I'd like to thank you all for your submissions, and I look forward to more passionate exchanges,

Yer pal,

Jeffrey