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Musician
Jokes
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A
young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I
grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't
do both.
What's
the difference between a guitar player and a
large pizza?
A
large pizza can feed a family of four.
- How many Musician jokes
are there?
-
Just one -- all the rest are true!!
-
- What do you call a
musician without a significant other?
- Homeless.
-
- What would a musician do
if he won a million dollars?
- Continue to play gigs
until the money ran out.
SPIV goes to a
music teacher to take guitar lessons. "That will be ten dollars
for the first lesson, and five dollars for each lesson after
that," says the teacher. "Fine," says SPIV, "I'll start with
lesson two."
* * * * * * *
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says:
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and
the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few
drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F
comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the
bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A
comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar
and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found
in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar
the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The
bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his
company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on
in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the
case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and
stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror
that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found
guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is
sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found
innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all
accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only
had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and
everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and
closes the bar.
* * * * * * *
- For all of you who are
feeling a little older and missing those
great old
tunes, there is good news. Some of
your old favorites have re-released
their great hits with new lyrics to
accommodate their aging audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've
Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't
Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your
Liver"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever
I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly
Now"
The Temptations--"Papa's Got a
Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me
Arthritis"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like
Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three
Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of
Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little
Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad
Prune a-Rising"-
- Marvin Gaye--"I Heard
It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My
Medication"
-
New
Guitar Effects for 2002!
Time
distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer.
Can also be achieved by ineptitude.
Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of
mistakes down one octave so that the audience
thinks it was the bass player.
Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like
Parliament.
Active pickups: Amplifies
"signals" sent to attractive audience
members.
Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical
substance.
Rehash: Stores and plays back your
favorite riffs constantly and forever.
Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out
"constructive criticism."
Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual
advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as
other guitarists by injecting them with nerve
toxins.
Delirium Tremulator: Just shakes and
sweats a lot.
Off Switch: Improves the sound of your
amplifier.
What
does a bass player say when he steps up to the
microphone?
Do you want fries with that?
What
do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's
arm?
A tattoo.
What
do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"The Defendant"
What
did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
Saliva.
What's
the similarity between a drummer and a
philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
How
does a heavy metal drummer count in 7/8 time?
one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven.
Why
do some people have an instant aversion to banjo
players?
It saves time in the long run.
What's
the difference between a jet airplane and a
trumpet?
About three decibels.
What's
the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by trombone solos.
What's the
difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road?
There are skid marks in front
of the squirrel.
What's
the definition of a minor second interval?
Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same
part.
What
is another term for trombone?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch
approximator.
What
is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
Why
do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read
music at the same time.
How
does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
What
do you call a guitar player that only knows two
chords?
A music critic.
Why
did the clarinet player marry the accordion
player?
Upward mobility.
How
do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What
will you never say about a banjo player?
That's the banjo player's Porsche.
What
do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
There
are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's
driving?
The policeman.
Why
are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out
of cars.
What's
the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Tuba
Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Glissando:
A technique adopted by string players for
difficult runs.
Music:
A complex organizations of sounds that is set
down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by
the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians,
the result of which is ignored by the audience.
Conductor:
A musician who is adept at following many people
at the same time.
How
does a young man become a member of a high school
chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the
wrong classroom.
Subito
piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure
orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica
ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff
until you find it again.
Vibrato:
Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on
the wrong pitch. Female vocalist asks her
keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way
to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies,
"Sure, we can do the first chorus in G
minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second
chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in
3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3
bars!" She claims, "That might be too
complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how
you did it last night!"
What
do you call the guy who hangs out with the
musicians in the band?
The drummer.
* * * * * * * *
He was a ragged
looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took
the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to
the barkeeper. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old
guy, but it had been a while since he had a piano player and
business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in WWII," was the answer. Now,
really unsure, but, the barkeeper decided to give him a
try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over
there...give it a go. "
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several
patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar
of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a
rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the
bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the
place.
The barkeeper bought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded
really, really good. "What do you call that tune?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock & Roll
Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the
beer. "I got another one," ...and he began to play again. What
followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin bit of ragtime that
had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play.
After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told
the crowd that last song was called "Big Boobs Make My
Afterburner Dance." He then excused himself as he lurched
off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the barkeeper decided to hire the guy, no
matter how bad he looked, or what ever he called his songs.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the barkeeper went
over to tell him that he had the job, but noticed the old
pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said
"The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly
is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Do I know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!!
Quotes About Music:
"The music business is a
cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where
thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s
also a negative side." - Hunter S. Thompson
"Wagner's music
is better than it sounds." - Mark Twain
"It's pretty
clear now that what looked like it might have been some kind of
counterculture is, in reality, just the plain old chaos of
undifferentiated weirdness." - Jerry Garcia
"My sole
inspiration is a telephone call from a producer." - Cole
Porter
"Don't bother to
look, I've composed all this already." - Gustav Mahler, to
Bruno Walter, who had stopped to admire mountain scenery in
rural Austria.
"I would rather
play 'Chiquita Banana' and have my swimming pool than play Bach
and starve." - Xavier Cugat
"[Musicians] talk
of nothing but money and jobs. Give me businessmen every time.
They really are interested in music and art." - Jean Sibelius,
explaining why he rarely invited musicians to his home.
"The amount of
money one needs is terrifying ..." - Ludwig van Beethoven
"Only become a
musician if there is absolutely no other way you can make a
living." - Kirke Mecham, on his life as a composer.
"I am not
handsome, but when women hear me play, they come crawling to my
feet." - Niccolo Paganini
"Flint must be an
extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or
three seats." - Victor Borge, playing to a half-filled house
in Flint, Mich.
"If one hears bad
music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation." -
Oscar Wilde
"Critics can't
even make music by rubbing their back legs together." - Mel
Brooks
"Life can't be
all bad when for 10 dollars you can buy all the Beethoven
sonatas and listen to them for 10 years." - William F. Buckley
Jr.
"You can't
possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go
slow." - Oscar Levant, explaining his way out of a speeding
ticket.
"There are still
so many beautiful things to be said in C major." - Sergei
Prokofiev
"I never use a
score when conducting my orchestra. Does a lion tamer enter a
cage with a book on how to tame a lion?" - Dimitri Mitropolous
"God tells me how
the music should sound, but you stand in the way." - Arturo
Toscanini to a trumpet player.
"Already too
loud!" - Bruno Walter at his first rehearsal with an American
orchestra, on seeing the players reaching for their instruments.
"I really don't
know whether any place contains more pianists than Paris, or
whether you can find more asses and virtuosos anywhere." -
Frederic Chopin
"When she started
to play, Steinway himself came down personally and rubbed his
name off the piano." - Bob Hope, on comedienne Phyllis Diller
"Never look at
the trombones, it only encourages them." - Richard Strauss
"In opera, there
is always too much singing." - Claude Debussy
"Oh how
wonderful, really wonderful, opera would be if there were no
singers!" - Gioacchino Rossini
"Movie music is
noise. It's even more painful than my sciatica." - Sir Thomas
Beecham
"I think popular
music in this country is one of the few things in the 20th
century that have made giant strides in reverse." - Bing
Crosby
"Theirs [the
Beatles'] is a happy, cocky, belligerently resourceless brand of
harmonic primitivism... In the Liverpudlian repertoire, the
indulged amateurishness of the musical material, though closely
rivaled by the indifference of the performing style, is actually
surpassed only by the ineptitude of the studio production
method. 'Strawberry Fields' suggests a chance encounter at a
mountain wedding between Claudio Monteverdi and a jug band." -
Glenn Gould
Strings
- What's the
difference between a violin and a fiddle?
- A fiddle is
fun to listen to.
- What's the
difference between a violin and a viola?
- There is no
difference. The violin just looks smaller because the
violinist's head is so much bigger.
- Why are
viola jokes so short?
- So
violinists can understand them.
- How do you
tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
- The dog
knows when to stop scratching.
- How many
second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
- None. They
can't get up that high!
- String
players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
- Why is a
violinist like a SCUD missile?
- Both are
offensive and inaccurate.
- Why don't
viola players suffer from piles (hæmorrhoids)?
- Because all
the assholes are in the first violin section.
- What's the
difference between a fiddle and a violin?
- No-one minds
if you spill beer on a fiddle.
- Why do
violinists put a cloth between their chin and their
instrument?
- Violins
don't have spit valves.
- Why should
you never try to drive a roof nail with a violin?
- You might
bend the nail.
A violinist
says to his wife, "Oh, baby, I can play you just like my
violin."
His wife
replies, "I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques
Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a
fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much
room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"
Another
violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint:
"Write your repertoire."
"Haven't I seen
your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your
Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin
lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes,"
recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
- How do you
get a 'cellist to play fortissimo?
- Write "pp,
espressivo"
- How do you
make a cello sound beautiful?
- Sell it and
buy a violin.
Did you hear
about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed?
- How many
string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
- None; the
piano player can do that with his left hand.
- How do you
make a double bass sound in tune?
- Chop it up
and make it into a xylophone.
- How many
bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1...5...1...
(1...4...5...5...1)
A double bass
player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the
local choral society's annual performance of Handel's
Messiah.
He picked up
his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the
conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to
tune?"
The bass player
replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last
year?"
At a rehearsal,
the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out
of tune. Check it, please!"
The first
bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all
the strings are equally tight."
The first
violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the
tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"
Two bass
players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a
couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in
turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of
house.
Joe duly took
his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says
Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom
Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song
about a Toreador at the same time."
There was a
certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to
accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and
talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must
have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So
they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential
philosophy and had a great time.
A second man
walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for
him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he
watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third
man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The
bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be
about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table
back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this
guy for a while."
After the
bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play
French bow or German bow?"
Lute players
spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half
playing out of tune.
- Why are
harps like elderly parents?
- Both are
unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
- How long
does a harp stay in tune?
- About 20
minutes, or until someone opens a door.
- What's the
definition of a quarter tone?
- A harpist
tuning unison strings.
- What do you
get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
- A flat
minor.
- What do you
get when you drop a piano on an army base?
- A flat
major.
- Why is an
11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
- Because it
makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
- Why was the
piano invented?
- So the
musician would have a place to put his beer.
The audience at
a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off
stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the
wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Even though I'm
a violist, I realize that the organ is not a string instrument.
I put the organ jokes here because I thought it made sense to
put them next to the piano jokes.
- What does a
German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
- He puts his
Leslie on "slow".
The organ is
the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the
Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.
Woodwinds
- How do you
get two piccolos to play in unison?
- Shoot one.
Two musicians
are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was
that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other
replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
- Why is a
bassoon better than an oboe?
- The bassoon
burns longer.
- What is a
burning oboe good for?
- Setting a
bassoon on fire.
- What is the
definition of a half step?
- Two oboes
playing in unison.
- What is the
definition of a major second?
- Two baroque
oboes playing in unison.
- How do you
get an oboist to play A flat?
- Take the
batteries out of his electric tuner.
- Why did the
chicken cross the road?
- To get away
from the bassoon recital.
- What's the
difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
- A bad oboist
can kill you.
- How many
clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Only one,
but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just
the right one.
- What's the
definition of "nerd?"
- Someone who
owns his own alto clarinet.
- What do you
call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
- Gifted.
You might
notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is
out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so
many jokes - the saxophone, for instance.
- How many
alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Five. One to
change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
would have done it.
- What's the
difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower?
-
- Lawn
mowers sound better in small ensemles.
- The
neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't
return it.
- The grip.
- What's the
difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
- The exhaust.
The soprano,
not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her
saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now."
He replies,
"Why? Am I sharp?"
Small wonder we
have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so
much of it has passed through saxophones.
Brass
- How many
trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Five. One to
handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they
could have done it.
- What's the
difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a
horse?
- I don't know
either.
- What's the
difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
- Government
bonds eventually mature and earn money.
- How to
trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
- "Hi. I'm
better than you."
- How do you
know when a trumpet player is at your door?
- The doorbell
shrieks!
- Why can't a
gorilla play trumpet?
- He's too
sensitive.
In an emergency
a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony
orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when
she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second
movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't
supposed to play at all.
After the
concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She
said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
- What's the
difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
-
- Vibrato,
though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain
saw very still.
- It's
easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
- How can you
make a french horn sound like a trombone?
-
- Take your
hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
- Take your
hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
- How do you
know when a trombone player is at your door?
- The doorbell
drags.
- What is a
gentleman?
- Somebody who
knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't.
- What do you
call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
- A optimist.
- What is the
diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road,
and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
- The squirrel
might have been on his way to a gig.
- How many
trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Just one,
but he'll do it too loudly.
- How do you
know when there's a trombonist at your door?
- His hat says
"Domino's Pizza"
- How do you
improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
- Take the
Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
- What kind of
calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
-
"Year-At-A-Glance."
- How can you
tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
- He doesn't
know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
- What is the
dynamic range of the bass trombone?
- On or off.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose
instrument changes shape as he plays it!
- How do you get your viola section to
sound like the horn section?
- Have them miss every other note.
- How can you make a trombone sound
like a french horn?
- Stick your hand in the bell and play
a lot of wrong notes.
- What is the difference between a
french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
- You can tune a '57 Chevy.
- What do you get when you cross a
French Horn player and a goalpost?
- A goalpost that can't march.
- How many French horn players does it
take to change a lightbulb?
- Just one, but he'll spend two hours
checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
- Why is the French horn a divine
instrument?
- Because a man blows in it, but only
God knows what comes out of it.
- How do horn players traditionally
greet each other?
-
- "Hi. I played that last year."
- "Hi. I did that piece in junior
high."
A girl went out on a date with a
trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
"Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That
dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba
player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how
was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those
huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was
just gross!"
The next night she went out with a
French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
"Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his
kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held
me!"
- What's the range of a tuba?
- Twenty yards if you've got a good
arm!
- How many tuba players does it take
to change a light bulb?
- Three! One to hold the bulb and two
to drink 'till the room spins.
- What's a tuba for?
- 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request
"full cut."
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece
of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
- How do you fix a broken tuba?
- With a tuba glue.
These two tuba players walk past a
bar...
Well, it could happen!
Percussion
- Why are orchestra intermissions
limited to 20 minutes?
- So you don't have to retrain the
drummers.
- What do you call someone who hangs
out with musicians?
- A drummer.
- What did the drummer get on his IQ
test?
- Drool.
- How do you know when a drummer is
knocking at your door?
- The knock always slows down.
- How do you get a drummer to play an
accelerando?
- Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady
120 bpm.
- Why do bands have bass players?
- To translate for the drummer.
- Did you hear about the time the bass
player locked his keys in the car?
- It took two hours to get the drummer
out.
- How many drummers does it take to
change a lightbulb?
-
- "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark,
man?"
- Only one, but he'll break ten
bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
- Two: one to hold the bulb, and one
to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you
have to turn the bulb).
- Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and
nineteen to drink until the room spins.
- None. They have a machine to do
that.
- Why is it good that drummers have a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
- So they don't disgrace themselves in
parades.
- What's the difference between a
drummer and a drum machine?
- With a drum machine you only have to
punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians
and the drummer please come to the stage!"
In New York City, an out of work jazz
drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge.
But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about
the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said
"If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look
up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the
beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes."
Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport
to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas,
transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but
he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately
started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every
color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge
man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up
at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He
was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened
into a huge smile.
"You're just in time--I need you for a
gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with
your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a
rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that,
Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set
up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who
were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At
7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his
gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the
musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we
playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration
and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7
and 13."
A drummer, sick of all the drummer
jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he
decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says
to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the
corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I
think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says,
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How
did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red
accordion' is the radiator."
- What do you call a groupie who hangs
around and annoys musicians?
- A bodhran player.
- What is the difference between a
bodhran player and a terrorist?
- Terrorists have sympathisers.
- How do you know when there is a
bodhran player at your front door?
- The knocking gets faster and faster
and faster.
- What do bodhran players use for
birth control?
- Their personalities.
- What's the best thing to play a
bodhran with?
- A razor blade.
Soprano Jokes:
- If you threw a violist and a soprano
off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two
answers)
-
- The violist. The soprano would
have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
- Who cares?
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a terrorist?
- You can negotiate with a terrorist.
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a pirhana?
- The lipstick.
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a pit bull?
- The jewelry.
- How many sopranos does it take to
change a lightbulb?
-
- One. She holds the bulb and the
world revolves around her.
- Two. One to hold the diet cola and
the other to get her accompanist to do it.
- Four. One to change the bulb and
three to pull the chair out from under her.
- What's the difference between a
Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
- Stage makeup.
- What's the difference between a
Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
- About 10 pounds.
- How is a soubrette different from a
sewer rat?
- Some people actually like sewer
rats.
- What is the difference between a
soubrette and a cobra?
- One is deadly poisonous, and the
other is a reptile.
- How do you tell if a Wagnerian
soprano is dead?
- The horses seem very relieved.
- What's the first thing a soprano
does in the morning?
- Puts on her clothes and goes home.
- What's the next thing a soprano does
in the morning?
- Looks for her instrument.
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a Porsche?
- Most musicians have never been in a
Porsche.
- What's the definition of an alto?
- A soprano who can sightread.
- What's the difference between a bull
and an orchestra?
- The bull has the horns in the front
and the asshole in the back.
- A conductor and a violist are
standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over
first, and why?
- The conductor. Business before
pleasure.
- Why are conductor's hearts so
coveted for transplants?
- They've had so little use.
- What's the difference between a
conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
- The sack.
- What do you have when a group of
conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
- Not enough concrete.
- Did you hear about the planeload of
conductors en route to the European Festival?
- The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
- What's the difference between a
symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
- Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the
feet.
- What's the difference between a pig
and a symphony orchestra conductor?
- There are some things a pig just
isn't willing to do.
- What is the ideal weight for a
conductor?
- About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
- Why is a conductor like a condom?
- It's safer with one, but more fun
without.
- What's the difference between God
and a conductor?
- God knows He's not a conductor.
- What's the definition of an
assistant conductor?
- A mouse trying to become a rat.
- What's the difference between alto
clef and Greek?
- Some conductors actually read Greek.
- What do do with a horn player that
can't play?
- Give him two sticks, put him in the
back, and call him a percussionist.
- What do you do if he can't do that?
- Take away one of the sticks, put him
up front, and call him a conductor.
- What's the difference between an
opera conductor and a baby?
- A baby sucks its fingers.
A musician calls the symphony office to
talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she
asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
"What did you do when you were alive?"
asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of
the London Symphony Orchestra"
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our
celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you
turn up at the next rehearsal."
So, when the time for the next
rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly
trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a
mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the
players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second
trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a
conductor?"
"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but
occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
It was the night of the big symphony
concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it.
However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor
hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting
desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if
he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the
musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around
and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck
there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the
hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he
went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they
could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the
concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager
came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about
ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and
spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh,
what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have
to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager
went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know
how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but
though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on
its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then
moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you
can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was
able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws
around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last
through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the
dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr.
horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse
looked at him for a second and then without a word turned
around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in
perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed,
"the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a
load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was
horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse
conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's
rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied
"trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they
have a new conductor!"
A jazz musician dies and goes to
heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to
the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo,
Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one
problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
Alto Jokes:
- What's the difference between an
alto and a tenor?
- Tenors don't have hair on their
backs.
- How many altos does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
-
- None. They can't get that high.
- Two; one to screw it in and the
other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Tenor Jokes:
- How many tenors does it take to
change a light bulb?
- Four. One to change the bulb and
three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the
high notes.
- What do you see if you look up a
soprano's skirt?
- A tenor.
- How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
- The wine bottle is still full and
the comics haven't been touched.
- How do you put a sparkle in a
soprano's eye?
- Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- Where is a tenor's resonance?
- Where his brain should be.
- What's the definition of a male
quartet?
- Three men and a tenor.
Did you hear about the tenor who
announced that in the following season he would only sing three
title roles: Othello, Samson, and
Forza del Destino? (true story)
If you took all the tenors in the world
and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
Bass Jokes
- How do you tell if a bass is
actually dead?
- Hold out a check (but don't be
fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may
occur even hours after death has occurred).
- How do you tell if a bass is dead?
-
- What's the difference?
- Who cares?
- In the last act of Don Giovanni,
there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a
real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when
the switch has occurred?
- The "statue" starts looking a bit
stiff.
- How many basses does it take to
change a lightbulb?
- None. They're so macho they prefer
to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
High School Chorus Jokes
- What is the difference between the
men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
- The tennis final has more men.
- How does a young man become a member
of a high school chorus?
- On the first day of school he turns
into the wrong classroom.
- What is the difference between a
world war and a high school choral performance?
- The performance causes more
suffering.
- Why do high school choruses travel
so often?
- Keeps assassins guessing.
- What's the definition of an
optimist?
- A choral director with a mortgage.
- What is the difference between a
high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
- It's scientifically proven that
chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Folk/Rock/Popular Music and
Instruments
- What's the difference between a
banjo and a chain saw?
- The chain saw has greater dynamic
range.
- What's the least-used sentence in
the English language?
- "Isn't that the banjo player's
Porsche?"
- What do you say to a banjo player in
a three-piece suit?
- "Will the defendant please rise?"
There's nothing I like better than the
sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken
caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at
her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget,
sweetheart, I need a new G string."
- What does it mean when a guitar
player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
- The stage is level.
- How many guitar players does it take
to change a light bulb?
- Twelve. One to change the bulb and
eleven to say they could do it better.
- How do you get a guitar player to
play softer?
- Give him some sheet music.
- What do a vacuum cleaner and an
electric guitar have in common.
- Both suck when you plug them in.
- How do you make a bass player turn
down the volume?
- Put a chart in front of him.
- How many lead guitarists does it
take to change a light bulb?
- None--they just steal somebody
else's light.
- What do you call two guitarists
playing in unison?
- Counterpoint.
- What did the guitarist do when his
teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
- He caressed it softly and told it
that he loved it.
- What's the best thing to play on a
guitar?
- Solitaire.
- How many bass players does it take
to change a lightbulb?
-
- None. They let the keyboard player
do it with his left hand.
- Don't bother. Just leave it
out--no one will notice.
- One, but the guitarist has to show
him first.
- Six: one to change it, and the
other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging
the light.
- In the 22th century, how many guitar
players will you need to replace a light source?
- Five. One to actually do it, and
four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass
player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
- If you drop an accordion, a set of
bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands
first?
- Who cares?
- What's the difference between an Uzi
and an accordion?
- The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
- What do you call ten accordians at
the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start.
- What's a bassoon good for?
- Kindling for an accordion fire.
- What's a accordion good for?
- Learning how to fold a map.
- What do you call a group of topless
female accordian players?
- Ladies in Pain
- Bumper Stickers:
-
- Play an accordian--go to jail!
- Three rows and you're out!
Minimum safe distances between street
musicians and the public:
- Violinist: 25 feet
- Bad Violinist: 50 feet
- Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3
chords: 75 feet
- 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player
with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
- Accordionist: 60 miles
A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument
(from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a
hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
- How long does it take to tune a
chang?
- Nobody knows.
- Why is it so difficult to tune a
chang?
- So that violist can feel superior
about something.
- Q: How many chang players does it
take to change a light bulb?
- All of them. One to twist the bulb
for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as
good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip
the switch.
- Why do bagpipe players walk while
they play?
- To get away from the noise.
- What's the difference between an
Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
- A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an
Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
- How many country & western singers
does it take to change a light bulb?
- Three. One to change the bulb and
two to sing about the old one.
- What happens if you play blues music
backwards?
- Your wife returns to you, your dog
comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
- What do you get when you play New
Age music backwards?
- New Age music.
- What does it say on a blues singer's
tombstone?
- "I didn't wake up this morning..."
- "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers
play?"
- "Oh, about half a beat behind..."
- What's the difference between a
puppy and a singer-songwriter?
- Eventually the puppy stops whining.
- How many sound men does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
- "One, two, three, one, two,
three..."
- "Hey man, I just do sound."
- One. Upon finding no replacement,
he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum
wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet
mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the
bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the
satisfaction of the rest of the band.
- How many Deadheads does it take to
change a lightbulb?
- 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to
record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow
it around until it burns out.
- How many punk-rock musicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
- Two: One to screw in the bulb and
the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
- Know how to make a million dollars
singing jazz?
- Start with two million.
- How many jazz musicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
- None. Jazz musicians can't afford
light bulbs.
- "Don't worry about the changes.
We'll fake it!"
- How do you turn a duck into a soul
artist?
- Put it in the oven until its (it's)
Bill Withers.
Michael Caine goes up to Milton Berle
during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking
there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?"
Michael asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with
a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones
on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He
answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the
piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road.
All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat.
Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died.
But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each
musician with one last request to remind them of their past life
on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western
musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky
Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a
jazz musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and
getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the
night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked
me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing,
but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A
jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor,
"I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have
only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am
I going to live on for an entire year?"
Reprinted without permission from
Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO
newsletter.
The following program notes are from an
unidentified piano recital.
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke,
studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of
Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here
and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading
pianists.
In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page
Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page
turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky
Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal,
having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was
also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup
Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score
dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness,
and especially poise."
For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs
both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She
works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator
of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring
the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence
in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred
Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.
Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice
house on a lake.
Orchestra Personnel Standards
- conductor
- Leaps tall buildings in a single
bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
- concertmaster
- Leaps short buildings in a single
bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
- oboist
- Leaps short buildings with a running
start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
- trumpet player
- Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
- bassoonist
- Makes marks high on wall when trying
to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
- second violinist
- Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
- manager
- Falls over doorstep when trying to
enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
- horn player
- Lifts buildings and walks under
them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
Math/Logic Quiz
- Wilson is tired of paying for
clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on
rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire
on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds,
yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not,
calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a
professional symphony orchestra again!
- Jethro has been playing the double
bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and
seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by
the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming
he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and
three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely
unable to play the double bass?
- Wilma plays in the second violin
section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about
conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making
a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7,
and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103
musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different
conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma
make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the
musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors
are also musicians?
- Horace is the General Manager of an
important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four
concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra
plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the
chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart,
Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
- Betty plays in the viola section.
Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest
of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind
the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485
seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is
moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of
2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way
undetected?
- Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each
week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who
drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass
section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to
live?
- Rosemary is unable to play in keys
with more than three sharps or flats without making an
inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the
cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so
far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of
hours they would all have to practice to play the complete
works of Richard Strauss?
From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD.,
Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this
work we make the following observations and recommendations:
- We note that the twelve first
violins were playing identical notes, as were the second
violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified,
would seem to us to be adequate.
- Much unnecessary labour is involved
in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that
many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver
thus saving practice time for the individual player and
rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification
would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players
with only marginal loss of precision.
- We could find no productivity value
in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti
repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of
efficiency.
- In so labour-intensive an
undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet
passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument
is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory
demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared
out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above
recommendations are implemented the piece under consideration
could be played through in less than half an hour with
concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and
tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the
composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might
well have finished this work.
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a
parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the
floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk
said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart
ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring
cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other
two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I
get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother
replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"
A new conductor was at his first
rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians
as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the
timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor
turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
A violinist was auditioning for the
Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking
with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the
conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms
is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were
just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what
do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner
with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist
looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30
train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was
discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very
uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a
serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that
there was no 1:30 train to London.
A Player's Guide for Keeping
Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual
for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not
only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players
take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules
are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will
irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods
depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
- Never be satisfied with the tuning
note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the
podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
- When raising the music stand, be
sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
- Complain about the temperature of
the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft.
It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
- Look the other way just before cues.
- Never have the proper mute, a spare
set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must
never have all their equipment.
- Ask for a re-audition or seating
change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit.
Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
- Pluck the strings as if you are
checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the
conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes.
Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items, but
cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around
for several seconds.
- Loudly blow water from the keys
during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to
do this from birth).
- Long after a passage has gone by,
ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially
effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time.
(If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your
part.)
- At dramatic moments in the music
(while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so
that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
- Wait until well into a rehearsal
before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
- Look at your watch frequently. Shake
it in disbelief occasionally.
- Tell the conductor, "I can't find
the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick
technique", so challenge it frequently.
- As the conductor if he has listened
to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could
learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the
first time you've conducted this piece?"
- When rehearsing a difficult passage,
screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll
never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
- If your articulation differs from
that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do
not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just
before the concert.
- Find an excuse to leave rehearsal
about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and
start to pack up and fidget.
- During applause, smile weakly or
show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away
your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you
from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their
conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think
they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA
contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern
University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music
educator, he is also the American educational director for the
Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
- What's the first thing a musician
says at work?
- "Would you like fries with that?"
- Why do musicians have to be awake by
six o'clock?
- Because most shops close by six
thirty.
- What's the difference between a
conductor and a stagecoach driver?
- The stagecoach driver only has to
look at four horses' asses.
-
- The stages of a musician's life:
-
- Who is name?
- Get me name.
- Get me someone who sounds like
name.
- Get me a young name.
- Who is name?
There were two people walking down the
street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money
either.
A community orchestra was plagued by
attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each
rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra
had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe
player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the
conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful
attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I
could do, since I won't be at the performance."
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the
Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you
done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so
I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my
money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are
all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite
something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been
listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but
I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy.
I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come
in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and
says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five
thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What
instrument did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He
asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through
those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates.
Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight
elevator, through the kitchen..."
A guy walks into the doctor's office
and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The
doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells
him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc,
still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need
something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy
is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better
get some more information about you to try to figure out what's
going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well,
that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
- What's the difference between a
seamstress and a violist?
- The seamstress tucks up the frills.
- What's the difference between a
seamstress and a soprano?
- The seamstress tucks and frills.
- What's the difference between a
seamstress and a French horn player?
- The seamstress says "Tuck the
frills."
- "Wagner's music has beautiful
moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
- --Rossini
- "A critic is like a eunich: he knows
exactly how it ought to be done."
- "A drummer is a musician's best
friend."
- from a Martin Mull album.
- "The present day composer refuses to
die."
- -- Edgar Varese
- "Beethoven had an ear for music."
- -- anonymous
- "The clarinet is a musical
instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
- -- The Devil's Dictionary,
by Ambrose Bierce
- Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a
dog?
- His name was feedo.
- What do you get when you put a
diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
- A demented chord.
- How many producers does it take to
change a light bulb?
- ...hmm...I don't know...what do
you think?
- A first violinist, a second
violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the
four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops
a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to
grab it. Who gets it?
- The second violinist, because:
- No first violinist is going
anywhere for only 100 dollars.
- There's no such thing as a
virtuoso violist.
- The bass player hasn't figured out
what it's all about.
- Why did the Philharmonic disband?
- Excessive sax and violins.
Borodin nothing to
do!!
Gone Chopin.
Bach in a minuet.
Haydn's Chopin
Liszt at Vivaldi's:
- Rossini and cheese
- Schumann polish
- Bern-n-stein
remover
- Satie mushrooms
- batteries (Purcell)
- BeethOVEN cleaner
- Hummel microwave
meals
- orange Schubert
- TchaiCOUGHsky drops
- marshMahlers
- Honey-nut Berlioz
- Cui-tips
- Chef Boyardee Raveli
- sour cream and Ives
- Strauss (straws)
- chocolate Webers
(wafers)
- Del Monteverdi corn
- Mozart-rella cheese
- I Can't Believe it's not
Rutter
- Bach of serial
(opera)
- chicken Balakirev
- new door Handel
- Golden Brahms
- Clemen-TEA
- Little Debussy
snack cakes
- Oscar Meyerbeer
bologna
- string quartet: a
good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone
who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about
composers.
- detaché: an
indication that the trombones are to play with their slides
removed.
- glissando: a
technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
- subito piano:
indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to
become a soloist.
- risoluto: indicates
to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct
tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
- senza sordino: a
term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute
on a few measures back.
- preparatory beat: a
threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
- crescendo: a
reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
- conductor: a
musician who is adept at following many people at the same
time.
- clef: something to
jump from before the viola solo.
- transposition: the
act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is
too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the
sopranos.
- vibrato: used by
singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
- half step: the pace
used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.
- coloratura soprano:
a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but
who has a wild time hunting for it.
- chromatic scale: an
instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
- bar line: a
gathering of people, usually among which may be found a
musician or two.
- ad libitum: a
premiere.
- beat: what music
students do to each other with their instruments. The down
beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is
struck under the chin.
- cadence: when
everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
- diatonic:
low-calorie Schweppes.
- lamentoso: with
handkerchiefs.
- virtuoso: a
musician with very high morals. (I know one)
- music: a complex
organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by
the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
- oboe: an ill wind
that nobody blows good.
- tenor: two hours
before a nooner.
- diminished fifth:
an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
- perfect fifth: a
full bottle of Jack Daniels.
- ritard: there's one
in every family.
- relative major: an
uncle in the Marine Corps.
- relative minor: a
girlfriend.
- big band: when the
bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
- pianissimo: "refill
this beer bottle".
- repeat: what you do
until they just expel you.
- treble: women ain't
nothin' but.
- bass: the things
you run around in softball.
- portamento: a
foreign country you've always wanted to see.
- conductor: the man
who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
- arpeggio: "Ain't he
that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
- tempo: good choice
for a used car.
- A 440: the highway
that runs around Nashville.
- transpositions:
- men who wear dresses.
- An advanced recorder technique
where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or
vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
- cut time:
- parole.
- when everyone else is playing
twice as fast as you are.
- order of sharps:
what a wimp gets at the bar.
- passing tone:
frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
- middle C: the only
fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
- perfect pitch: the
smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
- tuba: a compound
word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
- cadenza:
- that ugly thing your wife always
vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
- The heroine in Monteverdi's opera
Frottola
- whole note: what's
due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
- clef: what you try
never to fall off of.
- bass clef: where
you wind up if you do fall off.
- altos: not to be
confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
- minor third: your
approximate age and grade at the completion of formal
schooling.
- melodic minor:
loretta Lynn's singing dad.
- 12-tone scale: the
thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
- quarter tone: what
most standard pickups can haul.
- sonata: what you
get from a bad cold or hay fever.
- clarinet: name used
on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
- cello: the proper
way to answer the phone.
- bassoon:
- typical response when asked what
you hope to catch, and when.
- a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
- French horn: your
wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4
a.m.
- cymbal: what they
use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your
pistol with.
- bossa nova: the car
your foreman drives.
- time signature:
what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
- first inversion:
grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
- staccato: how you
did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
- major scale: what
you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was
a major scale!"
- aeolian mode: how
you like Mama's cherry pie.
- Bach chorale: the
place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
- plague: a
collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
- audition: the act
of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his
mind.
- accidentals: wronng
notes.
- augmented fifth: a
36-ounce bottle.
- broken consort:
when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the
bathroom.
- cantus firmus: the
part you get when you can play only four notes.
- chansons de geste:
dirty songs.
- clausula: Mrs.
Santa Claus.
- crotchet:
- a tritone with a bent prong.
- like knitting, but faster.
- ducita: a lot of
mallards.
- embouchure the way
you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
- estampie: what they
put on letters in Quebec.
- garglefinklein: a
tiny recorder played by neums.
- hocket: the thing
that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
- interval: how long
it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
- Major interval: a long time.
- Minor interval: a few bars.
- Inverted interval: when you have
to go back a bar and try again.
- intonation: singing
through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle
Ages.
- isorhythmic motet:
when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the
other half.
- minnesinger: a boy
soprano.
- musica ficta: when
you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
- neums: renaissance
midgets.
- neumatic melishma:
a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
- ordo: the hero in
Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
- rota: an early
Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
- trotto: an early
Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
- lauda: the
difference between shawms and krummhorns.
- sancta: Clausula's
husband.
- lasso: the 6th and
5th steps of a descending scale.
- di lasso: popular
with Italian cowboys.
- quaver: beginning
viol class.
- rackett: capped
reeds class
- ritornello: a Verdi
opera.
- sine proprietate:
cussing in church.
- supertonic:
Schweppes.
- trope: a malevolent
neum.
- tutti: a lot of
sackbuts.
- stops: something
Bach didn't have on his organ.
- agnus dei: a famous
female church composer.
- metronome: a
city-dwelling dwarf.
- allegro: leg
fertilizer.
- recitative: a
disease that Monteverdi had.
- transsectional: an
alto who moves to the soprano section.
Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in
tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"
When asked by the Pope (I forget which
one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor
Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give
us back castrati!"
Three violin manufactures have all done
business for years on the same block in the small town of
Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the
Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make
the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed
suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the
best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put
a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on
the block."
Once there was a violinist who got a
gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the
recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a
visit from one of the institutionalized patients.
"Oh, the concert you played was just
lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in
the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy
was just exquisite!", said the patient.
"Why, thank you," said the musician
(thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a
institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"
"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an
orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major
concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones."
said the patient.
"Wow, that's impressive," said the
violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"
"Oh yes, I've done all the major
sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones,"
said the patient.
"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?"
asked the violinist.
"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets,
sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.
Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you
ever play string quartets?"
All of the suddenly the patient went
berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String
quartets!... String quartets!... "
Quite a number of years ago, the
Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9
under the baton of Milton Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand
two things:
- There's a quite long segment in this
symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a
single note for page after page.
- There used to be a tavern called
Dez's 400, right across the street from the
Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this
performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the
opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their
instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools
looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got
backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street
and quaff a few brews.
When they got there, a European
nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them
several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and
the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were
rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and
exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"
The remaining bassists tried in vain to
wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still
conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera
House.
While they were on their way in, the
bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I
think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something
like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages
of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have
to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one
hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
Sure enough, when they got back to the
stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their
conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.
THE RULES OF THE BLUES:
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless
you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with
the meanest
face in town."
3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes...sort of: "I got a good woman with
the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in
town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh about 500 pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch,
you're stuck in a
ditch, and there ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and the
office motor
pool ain't even in the running. Walking plays a major part in
the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get
the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City,
Memphis, or New
York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Iowa or Canada.
Hard times in
Minneapolis or L.A. is probably just clinical depression. You
cannot have
the blues in any place that doesn't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your
leg jumping out of a window is.
9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The
lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places:
a. Neiman Marcus stores
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
unless you happen
to be an old black man, and you sleep in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or a trust fund
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people
also got a leg
up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and your darling gives you gasoline,
it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to
die. So is the
electric chair, drug addiction, and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or
getting
liposuction.
16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Little Willie
c. Big Willie
d. Little Big Willie
18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather
can't sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,Lime,Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Lame Lemon Johnson, or
Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi).
20. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer,
you can't
sing the blues.
For the Spanish among us, just change Blues to Salsa and, with
some cultural changes, the rules hold true.
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