Musician Jokes

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A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I think I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both.

What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?
        A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How many Musician jokes are there?

        Just one -- all the rest are true!!

 

What do you call a musician without a significant other?

Homeless.

 

What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

     SPIV goes to a music teacher to take guitar lessons. "That will be ten dollars for the first lesson, and five dollars for each lesson after that," says the teacher. "Fine," says SPIV, "I'll start with lesson two."

* * * * * * *

     A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

     Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

     The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

     Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

     The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

* * * * * * *

     For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news.  Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

Some examples: 

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"

 

Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

 

New Guitar Effects for 2002!

Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by ineptitude.
Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the audience thinks it was the bass player.
Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.
Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.
Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical substance.
Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever.
Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."
Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting them with nerve toxins.
Delirium Tremulator: Just shakes and sweats a lot.
Off Switch: Improves the sound of your amplifier.

What does a bass player say when he steps up to the microphone?
         Do you want fries with that?

What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
         A tattoo.

What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
         "The Defendant"

What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
         Saliva.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
         They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

How does a heavy metal drummer count in 7/8 time?
         one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven.

Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
         It saves time in the long run.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
         About three decibels.

What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
         Drive-by trombone solos.

What's the difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
         There are skid marks in front of the squirrel.

What's the definition of a minor second interval?
         Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same part.

What is another term for trombone?
         A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.

What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
         On or off.

Why do people play trombone?
        Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.

How does a violist's brain cell die?
         Alone.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
         A music critic.

Why did the clarinet player marry the accordion player?
         Upward mobility.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
         Put it in a viola case.

What will you never say about a banjo player?
         That's the banjo player's Porsche.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
         Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

There are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's driving?
         The policeman.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
         Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
         You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.

Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" Friend: "I hope so."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
         On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.

Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.

Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch. Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She claims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians in the band?
         The drummer.

* * * * * * * *

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took  the "Piano  Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the  barkeeper. "I'd  like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off.

"What do you do?" he asked.

"I used to be a fighter pilot in WWII," was the answer.  Now, really  unsure, but, the barkeeper decided to give him a try...he really  needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go. "

The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered.  But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced.  What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a  dry eye in the place. 

The barkeeper bought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that tune?" he asked. "It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock & Roll Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another one," ...and he began to play again.  What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play.  After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that last  song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.

After thinking a bit, the barkeeper decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what ever he called his songs.  When the guy  came out  of the men's room, the barkeeper went over to tell him that he had  the job, but noticed the old pilot's fly was undone and his member was  hanging out.  He said "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"

"Do I know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!! 

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