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Musician
Jokes
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A
young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I
grow up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't
do both.
What's
the difference between a guitar player and a
large pizza?
A
large pizza can feed a family of four.
- How many Musician jokes
are there?
-
Just one -- all the rest are true!!
-
- What do you call a
musician without a significant other?
- Homeless.
-
- What would a musician do
if he won a million dollars?
- Continue to play gigs
until the money ran out.
SPIV goes to a
music teacher to take guitar lessons. "That will be ten dollars
for the first lesson, and five dollars for each lesson after
that," says the teacher. "Fine," says SPIV, "I'll start with
lesson two."
* * * * * * *
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says:
"Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and
the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few
drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F
comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp
enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the
bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A
comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this
relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar
and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found
in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar
the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The
bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his
company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on
in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the
case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and
stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror
that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found
guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is
sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale
correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found
innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all
accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only
had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and
everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and
closes the bar.
* * * * * * *
- For all of you who are
feeling a little older and missing those
great old
tunes, there is good news. Some of
your old favorites have re-released
their great hits with new lyrics to
accommodate their aging audience.
Some examples:
Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've
Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones--"You Can't
Always Pee When You Want"
Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your
Liver"
Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever
I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly
Now"
The Temptations--"Papa's Got a
Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me
Arthritis"
ABBA--"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like
Napping"
Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three
Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of
Hair"
The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little
Help From Depends"
Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad
Prune a-Rising"
-
- Marvin Gaye--"I Heard
It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My
Medication"
-
New
Guitar Effects for 2002!
Time
distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer.
Can also be achieved by ineptitude.
Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of
mistakes down one octave so that the audience
thinks it was the bass player.
Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like
Parliament.
Active pickups: Amplifies
"signals" sent to attractive audience
members.
Fluff box: Filters out excessive musical
substance.
Rehash: Stores and plays back your
favorite riffs constantly and forever.
Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out
"constructive criticism."
Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual
advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as
other guitarists by injecting them with nerve
toxins.
Delirium Tremulator: Just shakes and
sweats a lot.
Off Switch: Improves the sound of your
amplifier.
What
does a bass player say when he steps up to the
microphone?
Do you want fries with that?
What
do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's
arm?
A tattoo.
What
do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
"The Defendant"
What
did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
Saliva.
What's
the similarity between a drummer and a
philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
How
does a heavy metal drummer count in 7/8 time?
one-two-three-four-five-six-se-ven.
Why
do some people have an instant aversion to banjo
players?
It saves time in the long run.
What's
the difference between a jet airplane and a
trumpet?
About three decibels.
What's
the latest crime wave in New York City?
Drive-by trombone solos.
What's the
difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road?
There are skid marks in front
of the squirrel.
What's
the definition of a minor second interval?
Two Soprano Sax players reading off the same
part.
What
is another term for trombone?
A wind driven, manually operated, pitch
approximator.
What
is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
On or off.
Why
do people play trombone?
Because they can't move their fingers and read
music at the same time.
How
does a violist's brain cell die?
Alone.
What
do you call a guitar player that only knows two
chords?
A music critic.
Why
did the clarinet player marry the accordion
player?
Upward mobility.
How
do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What
will you never say about a banjo player?
That's the banjo player's Porsche.
What
do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
There
are two tuba players sitting in a car. Who's
driving?
The policeman.
Why
are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out
of cars.
What's
the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Tuba
Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Glissando:
A technique adopted by string players for
difficult runs.
Music:
A complex organizations of sounds that is set
down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by
the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians,
the result of which is ignored by the audience.
Conductor:
A musician who is adept at following many people
at the same time.
How
does a young man become a member of a high school
chorus?
On the first day of school he turns into the
wrong classroom.
Subito
piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure
orchestra player to become a soloist.
Musica
ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff
until you find it again.
Vibrato:
Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on
the wrong pitch. Female vocalist asks her
keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny
Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way
to 'jazz' it up?" Keyboard player replies,
"Sure, we can do the first chorus in G
minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second
chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in
3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3
bars!" She claims, "That might be too
complicated to do without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how
you did it last night!"
What
do you call the guy who hangs out with the
musicians in the band?
The drummer.
* * * * * * * *
He was a ragged
looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon.
Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took
the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to
the barkeeper. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The barkeeper wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old
guy, but it had been a while since he had a piano player and
business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in WWII," was the answer. Now,
really unsure, but, the barkeeper decided to give him a
try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over
there...give it a go. "
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several
patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar
of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a
rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the
bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the
place.
The barkeeper bought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded
really, really good. "What do you call that tune?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock & Roll
Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the
beer. "I got another one," ...and he began to play again. What
followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin bit of ragtime that
had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play.
After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told
the crowd that last song was called "Big Boobs Make My
Afterburner Dance." He then excused himself as he lurched
off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the barkeeper decided to hire the guy, no
matter how bad he looked, or what ever he called his songs.
When the guy came out of the men's room, the barkeeper went
over to tell him that he had the job, but noticed the old
pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out. He said
"The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly
is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Do I know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it !!!
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