Musician Jokes

(Page 5)

THE RULES OF THE BLUES:

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest
face in town."

3. The Blues are simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes...sort of: "I got a good woman with the meanest
face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got
teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh about 500 pound."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a
ditch, and there ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't
travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and the office motor
pool ain't even in the running. Walking plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing
the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, or New
York City, but not in Hawaii or any place in Iowa or Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or L.A. is probably just clinical depression. You cannot have
the blues in any place that doesn't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg skiing is not the blues. Breaking your
leg jumping out of a window is.

9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is
wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Neiman Marcus stores
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen
to be an old black man, and you sleep in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or a trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods
cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darling gives you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the
electric chair, drug addiction, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You
can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting
liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Willie
b. Little Willie
c. Big Willie
d. Little Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing
the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,Lime,Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Lame Lemon Johnson, or Cripple Kiwi
Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi).

20. I don't care how tragic your life is: if you own a computer, you can't
sing the blues.

For the Spanish among us, just change Blues to Salsa and, with some cultural changes, the rules hold true.

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