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Musician Jokes
(Page
4)
A guy walks into a pet store wanting a
parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the
floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk
said.
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart
ever wrote."
"And the other?" said the customer.
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring
cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."
"Holy moly! What does that one do?"
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other
two parrots call him 'Maestro'."
"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I
get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother
replied. "How do you think conductors are made?"
A new conductor was at his first
rehearsal. It was not going well. He was wary of the musicians
as they were of him. As he left the rehearsal room, the
timpanist sounded a rude little "bong." The angry conductor
turned and said, "All right! Who did that?"
A violinist was auditioning for the
Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking
with the conductor. "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the
conductor.
"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms
is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were
just playing some duets together last week!"
The conductor was impressed. "And what
do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.
"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner
with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist
looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30
train to London.
Afterwards, the conductor was
discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very
uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a
serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that
there was no 1:30 train to London.
A Player's Guide for Keeping
Conductors in Line
by Donn Laurence Mills
If there were a basic training manual
for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not
only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players
take pride in getting the conductor's goat. The following rules
are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will
irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods
depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
- Never be satisfied with the tuning
note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the
podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
- When raising the music stand, be
sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
- Complain about the temperature of
the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft.
It's best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
- Look the other way just before cues.
- Never have the proper mute, a spare
set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must
never have all their equipment.
- Ask for a re-audition or seating
change. Ask often. Give the impression you're about to quit.
Let the conductor know you're there as a personal favor.
- Pluck the strings as if you are
checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the
conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes.
Percussionists have a wide variety of droppable items, but
cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around
for several seconds.
- Loudly blow water from the keys
during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to
do this from birth).
- Long after a passage has gone by,
ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially
effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time.
(If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your
part.)
- At dramatic moments in the music
(while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so
that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
- Wait until well into a rehearsal
before letting the conductor know you don't have the music.
- Look at your watch frequently. Shake
it in disbelief occasionally.
- Tell the conductor, "I can't find
the beat." Conductors are always sensitive about their "stick
technique", so challenge it frequently.
- As the conductor if he has listened
to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could
learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask "Is this the
first time you've conducted this piece?"
- When rehearsing a difficult passage,
screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you'll
never be able to play it. Don't say anything: make him wonder.
- If your articulation differs from
that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do
not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just
before the concert.
- Find an excuse to leave rehearsal
about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and
start to pack up and fidget.
- During applause, smile weakly or
show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away
your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you
from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their
conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think
they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA
contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern
University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music
educator, he is also the American educational director for the
Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
- What's the first thing a musician
says at work?
- "Would you like fries with that?"
- Why do musicians have to be awake by
six o'clock?
- Because most shops close by six
thirty.
- What's the difference between a
conductor and a stagecoach driver?
- The stagecoach driver only has to
look at four horses' asses.
-
- The stages of a musician's life:
-
- Who is name?
- Get me name.
- Get me someone who sounds like
name.
- Get me a young name.
- Who is name?
There were two people walking down the
street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money
either.
A community orchestra was plagued by
attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each
rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra
had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe
player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the
conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful
attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I
could do, since I won't be at the performance."
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the
Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you
done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so
I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my
money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are
all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite
something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been
listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but
I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy.
I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come
in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and
says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five
thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What
instrument did you play?"
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He
asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through
those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates.
Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight
elevator, through the kitchen..."
A guy walks into the doctor's office
and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The
doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells
him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc,
still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need
something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy
is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better
get some more information about you to try to figure out what's
going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a musician."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well,
that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
- What's the difference between a
seamstress and a violist?
- The seamstress tucks up the frills.
- What's the difference between a
seamstress and a soprano?
- The seamstress tucks and frills.
- What's the difference between a
seamstress and a French horn player?
- The seamstress says "Tuck the
frills."
- "Wagner's music has beautiful
moments but some bad quarters of an hour."
- --Rossini
- "A critic is like a eunich: he knows
exactly how it ought to be done."
- "A drummer is a musician's best
friend."
- from a Martin Mull album.
- "The present day composer refuses to
die."
- -- Edgar Varese
- "Beethoven had an ear for music."
- -- anonymous
- "The clarinet is a musical
instrument the only thing worse than which is two."
- -- The Devil's Dictionary,
by Ambrose Bierce
- Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a
dog?
- His name was feedo.
- What do you get when you put a
diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
- A demented chord.
- How many producers does it take to
change a light bulb?
- ...hmm...I don't know...what do
you think?
- A first violinist, a second
violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the
four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops
a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to
grab it. Who gets it?
- The second violinist, because:
- No first violinist is going
anywhere for only 100 dollars.
- There's no such thing as a
virtuoso violist.
- The bass player hasn't figured out
what it's all about.
- Why did the Philharmonic disband?
- Excessive sax and violins.
Borodin nothing to
do!!
Gone Chopin.
Bach in a minuet.
Haydn's Chopin
Liszt at Vivaldi's:
- Rossini and cheese
- Schumann polish
- Bern-n-stein
remover
- Satie mushrooms
- batteries (Purcell)
- BeethOVEN cleaner
- Hummel microwave
meals
- orange Schubert
- TchaiCOUGHsky drops
- marshMahlers
- Honey-nut Berlioz
- Cui-tips
- Chef Boyardee Raveli
- sour cream and Ives
- Strauss (straws)
- chocolate Webers
(wafers)
- Del Monteverdi corn
- Mozart-rella cheese
- I Can't Believe it's not
Rutter
- Bach of serial
(opera)
- chicken Balakirev
- new door Handel
- Golden Brahms
- Clemen-TEA
- Little Debussy
snack cakes
- Oscar Meyerbeer
bologna
- string quartet: a
good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone
who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about
composers.
- detaché: an
indication that the trombones are to play with their slides
removed.
- glissando: a
technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
- subito piano:
indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to
become a soloist.
- risoluto: indicates
to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct
tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
- senza sordino: a
term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute
on a few measures back.
- preparatory beat: a
threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else....
- crescendo: a
reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
- conductor: a
musician who is adept at following many people at the same
time.
- clef: something to
jump from before the viola solo.
- transposition: the
act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is
too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the
sopranos.
- vibrato: used by
singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
- half step: the pace
used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.
- coloratura soprano:
a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but
who has a wild time hunting for it.
- chromatic scale: an
instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
- bar line: a
gathering of people, usually among which may be found a
musician or two.
- ad libitum: a
premiere.
- beat: what music
students do to each other with their instruments. The down
beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is
struck under the chin.
- cadence: when
everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
- diatonic:
low-calorie Schweppes.
- lamentoso: with
handkerchiefs.
- virtuoso: a
musician with very high morals. (I know one)
- music: a complex
organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer,
incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by
the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
- oboe: an ill wind
that nobody blows good.
- tenor: two hours
before a nooner.
- diminished fifth:
an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
- perfect fifth: a
full bottle of Jack Daniels.
- ritard: there's one
in every family.
- relative major: an
uncle in the Marine Corps.
- relative minor: a
girlfriend.
- big band: when the
bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
- pianissimo: "refill
this beer bottle".
- repeat: what you do
until they just expel you.
- treble: women ain't
nothin' but.
- bass: the things
you run around in softball.
- portamento: a
foreign country you've always wanted to see.
- conductor: the man
who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
- arpeggio: "Ain't he
that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
- tempo: good choice
for a used car.
- A 440: the highway
that runs around Nashville.
- transpositions:
- men who wear dresses.
- An advanced recorder technique
where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or
vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
- cut time:
- parole.
- when everyone else is playing
twice as fast as you are.
- order of sharps:
what a wimp gets at the bar.
- passing tone:
frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
- middle C: the only
fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
- perfect pitch: the
smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
- tuba: a compound
word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
- cadenza:
- that ugly thing your wife always
vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
- The heroine in Monteverdi's opera
Frottola
- whole note: what's
due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
- clef: what you try
never to fall off of.
- bass clef: where
you wind up if you do fall off.
- altos: not to be
confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".
- minor third: your
approximate age and grade at the completion of formal
schooling.
- melodic minor:
loretta Lynn's singing dad.
- 12-tone scale: the
thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
- quarter tone: what
most standard pickups can haul.
- sonata: what you
get from a bad cold or hay fever.
- clarinet: name used
on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo.
- cello: the proper
way to answer the phone.
- bassoon:
- typical response when asked what
you hope to catch, and when.
- a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
- French horn: your
wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4
a.m.
- cymbal: what they
use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your
pistol with.
- bossa nova: the car
your foreman drives.
- time signature:
what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
- first inversion:
grandpa's battle group at Normandy.
- staccato: how you
did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
- major scale: what
you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was
a major scale!"
- aeolian mode: how
you like Mama's cherry pie.
- Bach chorale: the
place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
- plague: a
collective noun, as in "a plague of conductors."
- audition: the act
of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the
sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his
mind.
- accidentals: wronng
notes.
- augmented fifth: a
36-ounce bottle.
- broken consort:
when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the
bathroom.
- cantus firmus: the
part you get when you can play only four notes.
- chansons de geste:
dirty songs.
- clausula: Mrs.
Santa Claus.
- crotchet:
- a tritone with a bent prong.
- like knitting, but faster.
- ducita: a lot of
mallards.
- embouchure the way
you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
- estampie: what they
put on letters in Quebec.
- garglefinklein: a
tiny recorder played by neums.
- hocket: the thing
that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
- interval: how long
it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
- Major interval: a long time.
- Minor interval: a few bars.
- Inverted interval: when you have
to go back a bar and try again.
- intonation: singing
through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle
Ages.
- isorhythmic motet:
when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the
other half.
- minnesinger: a boy
soprano.
- musica ficta: when
you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
- neums: renaissance
midgets.
- neumatic melishma:
a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
- ordo: the hero in
Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.
- rota: an early
Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
- trotto: an early
Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
- lauda: the
difference between shawms and krummhorns.
- sancta: Clausula's
husband.
- lasso: the 6th and
5th steps of a descending scale.
- di lasso: popular
with Italian cowboys.
- quaver: beginning
viol class.
- rackett: capped
reeds class
- ritornello: a Verdi
opera.
- sine proprietate:
cussing in church.
- supertonic:
Schweppes.
- trope: a malevolent
neum.
- tutti: a lot of
sackbuts.
- stops: something
Bach didn't have on his organ.
- agnus dei: a famous
female church composer.
- metronome: a
city-dwelling dwarf.
- allegro: leg
fertilizer.
- recitative: a
disease that Monteverdi had.
- transsectional: an
alto who moves to the soprano section.
Maestro (to Horns): "Give us the F in
tune!"
Violist (to Maestro): "Please can we have the F-in' tune too?"
When asked by the Pope (I forget which
one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor
Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: "Give
us back castrati!"
Three violin manufactures have all done
business for years on the same block in the small town of
Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the
Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make
the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed
suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the
best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put
a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on
the block."
Once there was a violinist who got a
gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the
recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a
visit from one of the institutionalized patients.
"Oh, the concert you played was just
lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in
the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy
was just exquisite!", said the patient.
"Why, thank you," said the musician
(thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a
institutionalized person). "Are you by chance a musician?"
"Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an
orchestra for many years, I've played all of the major
concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones."
said the patient.
"Wow, that's impressive," said the
violinist. "Did you do recitals as well?"
"Oh yes, I've done all the major
sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones,"
said the patient.
"Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?"
asked the violinist.
"Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets,
sextets, all the major repertoire," said the patient.
Puzzled, the violinist asked "Did you
ever play string quartets?"
All of the suddenly the patient went
berserk and shouted "String quartets!... String
quartets!... String quartets!... "
Quite a number of years ago, the
Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9
under the baton of Milton Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand
two things:
- There's a quite long segment in this
symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a
single note for page after page.
- There used to be a tavern called
Dez's 400, right across the street from the
Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this
performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the
opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their
instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools
looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got
backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street
and quaff a few brews.
When they got there, a European
nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them
several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and
the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were
rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and
exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!"
The remaining bassists tried in vain to
wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still
conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera
House.
While they were on their way in, the
bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I
think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something
like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages
of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have
to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one
hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
Sure enough, when they got back to the
stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their
conductor's face told them they were still in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.
<
Reprinted without permission from
Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO
newsletter.
The following program notes are from an
unidentified piano recital.
Tonight's page turner, Ruth Spelke,
studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of
Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here
and abroad for many years for some of the world's leading
pianists.
In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page
Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page
turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky
Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal,
having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was
also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup
Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score
dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in "grace, swiftness,
and especially poise."
For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs
both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She
works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator
of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring
the pianist's view of the music. She is page turner in residence
in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred
Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.
Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice
house on a lake.
Orchestra Personnel Standards
- conductor
- Leaps tall buildings in a single
bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
- concertmaster
- Leaps short buildings in a single
bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
- oboist
- Leaps short buildings with a running
start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
- trumpet player
- Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
- bassoonist
- Makes marks high on wall when trying
to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
- second violinist
- Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
- manager
- Falls over doorstep when trying to
enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
- horn player
- Lifts buildings and walks under
them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.
Math/Logic Quiz
- Wilson is tired of paying for
clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on
rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire
on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds,
yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not,
calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a
professional symphony orchestra again!
- Jethro has been playing the double
bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and
seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by
the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming
he stopped practicing altogether four years, six months and
three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely
unable to play the double bass?
- Wilma plays in the second violin
section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about
conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making
a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7,
and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103
musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different
conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma
make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the
musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors
are also musicians?
- Horace is the General Manager of an
important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four
concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra
plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the
chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart,
Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
- Betty plays in the viola section.
Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest
of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind
the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485
seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is
moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of
2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way
undetected?
- Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each
week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who
drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass
section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to
live?
- Rosemary is unable to play in keys
with more than three sharps or flats without making an
inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the
cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so
far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of
hours they would all have to practice to play the complete
works of Richard Strauss?
From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD.,
Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this
work we make the following observations and recommendations:
- We note that the twelve first
violins were playing identical notes, as were the second
violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified,
would seem to us to be adequate.
- Much unnecessary labour is involved
in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that
many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver
thus saving practice time for the individual player and
rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification
would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players
with only marginal loss of precision.
- We could find no productivity value
in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti
repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of
efficiency.
- In so labour-intensive an
undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet
passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument
is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory
demarcation conference with the Musician's Union, be shared
out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above
recommendations are implemented the piece under consideration
could be played through in less than half an hour with
concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and
tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the
composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might
well have finished this work.
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