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Musician Jokes
(Page 3)
Strings
- What's the difference between a
violin and a fiddle?
- A fiddle is fun to listen to.
- What's the difference between a
violin and a viola?
- There is no difference. The violin
just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much
bigger.
- Why are viola jokes so short?
- So violinists can understand them.
- How do you tell the difference
between a violinist and a dog?
- The dog knows when to stop
scratching.
- How many second violinists does it
take to change a light bulb?
- None. They can't get up that high!
- String players' motto: "It's better
to be sharp than out of tune."
- Why is a violinist like a SCUD
missile?
- Both are offensive and inaccurate.
- Why don't viola players suffer from
piles (hæmorrhoids)?
- Because all the assholes are in the
first violin section.
- What's the difference between a
fiddle and a violin?
- No-one minds if you spill beer on a
fiddle.
- Why do violinists put a cloth
between their chin and their instrument?
- Violins don't have spit valves.
- Why should you never try to drive a
roof nail with a violin?
- You might bend the nail.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh,
baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you
play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was
once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom
after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said.
"What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered
the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a
judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man
answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last
winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty
years!"
- How do you get a 'cellist to play
fortissimo?
- Write "pp, espressivo"
- How do you make a cello sound
beautiful?
- Sell it and buy a violin.
Did you hear about the bassist who was
so out of tune his section noticed?
- How many string bass players does it
take to change a light bulb?
- None; the piano player can do that
with his left hand.
- How do you make a double bass sound
in tune?
- Chop it up and make it into a
xylophone.
- How many bass players does it take
to change a light bulb?
- 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)
A double bass player arrived a few
minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral
society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah.
He picked up his instrument and bow,
and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked,
"Would you like a moment to tune?"
The bass player replied with some
surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and
shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it,
please!"
The first bassist pulls all his
strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are
equally tight."
The first violist turns around and
shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have
to be parallel!"
Two bass players were engaged for a run
of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to
take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee
performance from the front of house.
Joe duly took his break; back in the
pit that evening, Moe asked how it was.
"Great," says Joe. "You know that bit
where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some
guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same
time."
There was a certain bartender who was
quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs.
One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the
bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You
should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while
about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great
time.
A second man walked in and soon the
bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down
in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the
other guys and had a hell of a time.
Then a third man stumbled in and talked
to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself,
"Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over
to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said,
"You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while."
After the bartender left, the man at
the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?"
Lute players spend half their time
tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
- Why are harps like elderly parents?
- Both are unforgiving and hard to get
into and out of cars.
- How long does a harp stay in tune?
- About 20 minutes, or until someone
opens a door.
- What's the definition of a quarter
tone?
- A harpist tuning unison strings.
- What do you get when you drop a
piano down a mine shaft?
- A flat minor.
- What do you get when you drop a
piano on an army base?
- A flat major.
- Why is an 11-foot concert grand
better than a studio upright?
- Because it makes a much bigger
kaboom when dropped over a cliff.
- Why was the piano invented?
- So the musician would have a place
to put his beer.
The audience at a piano recital were
appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a
note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's
my agent, tell him I'm working!"
Even though I'm a violist, I realize
that the organ is not a string instrument. I put the organ jokes
here because I thought it made sense to put them next to the
piano jokes.
- What does a German Hammond organist
do in his life's most tender moments?
- He puts his Leslie on "slow".
The organ is the instrument of worship
for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its
ending we know the Grace of God.
Woodwinds
- How do you get two piccolos to play
in unison?
- Shoot one.
Two musicians are walking down the
street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw
you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no
piccolo, that was my fife."
- Why is a bassoon better than an
oboe?
- The bassoon burns longer.
- What is a burning oboe good for?
- Setting a bassoon on fire.
- What is the definition of a half
step?
- Two oboes playing in unison.
- What is the definition of a major
second?
- Two baroque oboes playing in unison.
- How do you get an oboist to play A
flat?
- Take the batteries out of his
electric tuner.
- Why did the chicken cross the road?
- To get away from the bassoon
recital.
- What's the difference between a SCUD
missile and a bad oboist?
- A bad oboist can kill you.
- How many clarinetists does it take
to change a lightbulb?
- Only one, but he'll go through a
whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
- What's the definition of "nerd?"
- Someone who owns his own alto
clarinet.
- What do you call a bass clarinetist
with half a brain?
- Gifted.
You might notice that there are very
few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The
clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the
saxophone, for instance.
- How many alto sax players does it
take to change a lightbulb?
- Five. One to change the bulb and
four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
- What's the difference between a
saxophone and a lawn mower?
-
- Lawn mowers sound better in small
ensemles.
- The neighbors are upset if you
borrow a lawnmower and don't return it.
- The grip.
- What's the difference between a
baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
- The exhaust.
The soprano, not being smart enough to
use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I
think you better pull out now."
He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?"
Small wonder we have so much trouble
with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed
through saxophones.
Brass
- How many trumpet players does it
take to change a lightbulb?
- Five. One to handle the bulb and
four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
- What's the difference between a
Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse?
- I don't know either.
- What's the difference between
trumpet players and government bonds?
- Government bonds eventually mature
and earn money.
- How to trumpet players traditionally
greet each other?
- "Hi. I'm better than you."
- How do you know when a trumpet
player is at your door?
- The doorbell shrieks!
- Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
- He's too sensitive.
In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was
hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything
went fine through the first movement, when she had some really
hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going
improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all.
After the concert the conductor came
round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the
score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!"
- What's the difference between a bass
trombone and a chain saw?
-
- Vibrato, though you can minimize
this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
- It's easier to improvise on a
chainsaw.
- How can you make a french horn sound
like a trombone?
-
- Take your hand out of the bell and
lose all sense of taste.
- Take your hand out of the bell and
miss all of the notes!
- How do you know when a trombone
player is at your door?
- The doorbell drags.
- What is a gentleman?
- Somebody who knows how to play the
trombone, but doesn't.
- What do you call a trombonist with a
beeper and a cellular telephone?
- A optimist.
- What is the diffference between a
dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel
lying in the road?
- The squirrel might have been on his
way to a gig.
- How many trombonists does it take to
change a lightbulb?
- Just one, but he'll do it too
loudly.
- How do you know when there's a
trombonist at your door?
- His hat says "Domino's Pizza"
- How do you improve the aerodynamics
of a trombonist's car?
- Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the
roof.
- What kind of calendar does a
trombonist use for his gigs?
- "Year-At-A-Glance."
- How can you tell which kid on a
playground is the child of a trombonist?
- He doesn't know how to use the
slide, and he can't swing.
- What is the dynamic range of the
bass trombone?
- On or off.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose
instrument changes shape as he plays it!
- How do you get your viola section to
sound like the horn section?
- Have them miss every other note.
- How can you make a trombone sound
like a french horn?
- Stick your hand in the bell and play
a lot of wrong notes.
- What is the difference between a
french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
- You can tune a '57 Chevy.
- What do you get when you cross a
French Horn player and a goalpost?
- A goalpost that can't march.
- How many French horn players does it
take to change a lightbulb?
- Just one, but he'll spend two hours
checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
- Why is the French horn a divine
instrument?
- Because a man blows in it, but only
God knows what comes out of it.
- How do horn players traditionally
greet each other?
-
- "Hi. I played that last year."
- "Hi. I did that piece in junior
high."
A girl went out on a date with a
trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
"Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"
"Nah," the first girl replied. "That
dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."
The next night she went out with a tuba
player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how
was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those
huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was
just gross!"
The next night she went out with a
French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked,
"Well, how was his kissing?"
"Well," the first girl replied, "his
kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held
me!"
- What's the range of a tuba?
- Twenty yards if you've got a good
arm!
- How many tuba players does it take
to change a light bulb?
- Three! One to hold the bulb and two
to drink 'till the room spins.
- What's a tuba for?
- 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request
"full cut."
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece
of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
- How do you fix a broken tuba?
- With a tuba glue.
These two tuba players walk past a
bar...
Well, it could happen!
Percussion
- Why are orchestra intermissions
limited to 20 minutes?
- So you don't have to retrain the
drummers.
- What do you call someone who hangs
out with musicians?
- A drummer.
- What did the drummer get on his IQ
test?
- Drool.
- How do you know when a drummer is
knocking at your door?
- The knock always slows down.
- How do you get a drummer to play an
accelerando?
- Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady
120 bpm.
- Why do bands have bass players?
- To translate for the drummer.
- Did you hear about the time the bass
player locked his keys in the car?
- It took two hours to get the drummer
out.
- How many drummers does it take to
change a lightbulb?
-
- "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark,
man?"
- Only one, but he'll break ten
bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.
- Two: one to hold the bulb, and one
to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you
have to turn the bulb).
- Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and
nineteen to drink until the room spins.
- None. They have a machine to do
that.
- Why is it good that drummers have a
half-ounce more brains than horses?
- So they don't disgrace themselves in
parades.
- What's the difference between a
drummer and a drum machine?
- With a drum machine you only have to
punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: "Will the musicians
and the drummer please come to the stage!"
In New York City, an out of work jazz
drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge.
But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about
the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said
"If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look
up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the
beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes."
Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport
to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas,
transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but
he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately
started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every
color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge
man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up
at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He
was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened
into a huge smile.
"You're just in time--I need you for a
gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with
your equipment."
"But," gasped Ed, "what about a
rehearsal?"
"No time--don't worry." And with that,
Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set
up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who
were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At
7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his
gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the
musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
"Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we
playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration
and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7
and 13."
A drummer, sick of all the drummer
jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he
decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says
to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the
corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I
think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says,
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How
did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red
accordion' is the radiator."
- What do you call a groupie who hangs
around and annoys musicians?
- A bodhran player.
- What is the difference between a
bodhran player and a terrorist?
- Terrorists have sympathisers.
- How do you know when there is a
bodhran player at your front door?
- The knocking gets faster and faster
and faster.
- What do bodhran players use for
birth control?
- Their personalities.
- What's the best thing to play a
bodhran with?
- A razor blade.
Soprano Jokes:
- If you threw a violist and a soprano
off a cliff, which one would hit the ground first? (two
answers)
-
- The violist. The soprano would
have to stop halfway down to ask directions.
- Who cares?
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a terrorist?
- You can negotiate with a terrorist.
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a pirhana?
- The lipstick.
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a pit bull?
- The jewelry.
- How many sopranos does it take to
change a lightbulb?
-
- One. She holds the bulb and the
world revolves around her.
- Two. One to hold the diet cola and
the other to get her accompanist to do it.
- Four. One to change the bulb and
three to pull the chair out from under her.
- What's the difference between a
Wagnerian soprano and the average All-Pro offensive lineman?
- Stage makeup.
- What's the difference between a
Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
- About 10 pounds.
- How is a soubrette different from a
sewer rat?
- Some people actually like sewer
rats.
- What is the difference between a
soubrette and a cobra?
- One is deadly poisonous, and the
other is a reptile.
- How do you tell if a Wagnerian
soprano is dead?
- The horses seem very relieved.
- What's the first thing a soprano
does in the morning?
- Puts on her clothes and goes home.
- What's the next thing a soprano does
in the morning?
- Looks for her instrument.
- What's the difference between a
soprano and a Porsche?
- Most musicians have never been in a
Porsche.
- What's the definition of an alto?
- A soprano who can sightread.
A jazz musician dies and goes to
heaven. He is told "Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to
the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven--right up there with Satchmo,
Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one
problem--God's girlfriend gets to sing."
Alto Jokes:
- What's the difference between an
alto and a tenor?
- Tenors don't have hair on their
backs.
- How many altos does it take to screw
in a lightbulb?
-
- None. They can't get that high.
- Two; one to screw it in and the
other to say, "Isn't that a little high for you?"
Tenor Jokes:
- How many tenors does it take to
change a light bulb?
- Four. One to change the bulb and
three to bitch that they could have done it if they had the
high notes.
- What do you see if you look up a
soprano's skirt?
- A tenor.
- How do you tell if a tenor is dead?
- The wine bottle is still full and
the comics haven't been touched.
- How do you put a sparkle in a
soprano's eye?
- Shine a flashlight in her ear.
- Where is a tenor's resonance?
- Where his brain should be.
- What's the definition of a male
quartet?
- Three men and a tenor.
Did you hear about the tenor who
announced that in the following season he would only sing three
title roles: Othello, Samson, and
Forza del Destino? (true story)
If you took all the tenors in the world
and laid them end to end, it would be a good idea.
Bass Jokes
- How do you tell if a bass is
actually dead?
- Hold out a check (but don't be
fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic clutching action may
occur even hours after death has occurred).
- How do you tell if a bass is dead?
-
- What's the difference?
- Who cares?
- In the last act of Don Giovanni,
there is always a statue which is replaced at some point by a
real singer, a bass (the Commendatore). How can you tell when
the switch has occurred?
- The "statue" starts looking a bit
stiff.
- How many basses does it take to
change a lightbulb?
- None. They're so macho they prefer
to walk in the dark and bang their shins.
High School Chorus Jokes
- What is the difference between the
men's final at Wimbledon and a high school choral performance?
- The tennis final has more men.
- How does a young man become a member
of a high school chorus?
- On the first day of school he turns
into the wrong classroom.
- What is the difference between a
world war and a high school choral performance?
- The performance causes more
suffering.
- Why do high school choruses travel
so often?
- Keeps assassins guessing.
- What's the definition of an
optimist?
- A choral director with a mortgage.
- What is the difference between a
high school choral director and a chimpanzee?
- It's scientifically proven that
chimpanzees are able to communicate with humans.
Folk/Rock/Popular Music and
Instruments
- What's the difference between a
banjo and a chain saw?
- The chain saw has greater dynamic
range.
- What's the least-used sentence in
the English language?
- "Isn't that the banjo player's
Porsche?"
- What do you say to a banjo player in
a three-piece suit?
- "Will the defendant please rise?"
There's nothing I like better than the
sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken
caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at
her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget,
sweetheart, I need a new G string."
- What does it mean when a guitar
player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
- The stage is level.
- How many guitar players does it take
to change a light bulb?
- Twelve. One to change the bulb and
eleven to say they could do it better.
- How do you get a guitar player to
play softer?
- Give him some sheet music.
- What do a vacuum cleaner and an
electric guitar have in common.
- Both suck when you plug them in.
- How do you make a bass player turn
down the volume?
- Put a chart in front of him.
- How many lead guitarists does it
take to change a light bulb?
- None--they just steal somebody
else's light.
- What do you call two guitarists
playing in unison?
- Counterpoint.
- What did the guitarist do when his
teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
- He caressed it softly and told it
that he loved it.
- What's the best thing to play on a
guitar?
- Solitaire.
- How many bass players does it take
to change a lightbulb?
-
- None. They let the keyboard player
do it with his left hand.
- Don't bother. Just leave it
out--no one will notice.
- One, but the guitarist has to show
him first.
- Six: one to change it, and the
other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging
the light.
- In the 22th century, how many guitar
players will you need to replace a light source?
- Five. One to actually do it, and
four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass
player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
- If you drop an accordion, a set of
bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands
first?
- Who cares?
- What's the difference between an Uzi
and an accordion?
- The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
- What do you call ten accordians at
the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start.
- What's a bassoon good for?
- Kindling for an accordion fire.
- What's a accordion good for?
- Learning how to fold a map.
- What do you call a group of topless
female accordian players?
- Ladies in Pain
- Bumper Stickers:
-
- Play an accordian--go to jail!
- Three rows and you're out!
Minimum safe distances between street
musicians and the public:
- Violinist: 25 feet
- Bad Violinist: 50 feet
- Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3
chords: 75 feet
- 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player
with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
- Accordionist: 60 miles
A "Chang" is a Central Asian instrument
(from countries such as Uzbekistan). It's something like a
hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
- How long does it take to tune a
chang?
- Nobody knows.
- Why is it so difficult to tune a
chang?
- So that violist can feel superior
about something.
- Q: How many chang players does it
take to change a light bulb?
- All of them. One to twist the bulb
for several hours, and the other one to decide that it's as
good as it's going to get, and that they might as well flip
the switch.
- Why do bagpipe players walk while
they play?
- To get away from the noise.
- What's the difference between an
Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
- A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an
Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
- How many country & western singers
does it take to change a light bulb?
- Three. One to change the bulb and
two to sing about the old one.
- What happens if you play blues music
backwards?
- Your wife returns to you, your dog
comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
- What do you get when you play New
Age music backwards?
- New Age music.
- What does it say on a blues singer's
tombstone?
- "I didn't wake up this morning..."
- "Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers
play?"
- "Oh, about half a beat behind..."
- What's the difference between a
puppy and a singer-songwriter?
- Eventually the puppy stops whining.
- How many sound men does it take to
change a light bulb?
-
- "One, two, three, one, two,
three..."
- "Hey man, I just do sound."
- One. Upon finding no replacement,
he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum
wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet
mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the
bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the
satisfaction of the rest of the band.
- How many Deadheads does it take to
change a lightbulb?
- 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to
record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow
it around until it burns out.
- How many punk-rock musicians does it
take to change a light bulb?
- Two: One to screw in the bulb and
the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
- Know how to make a million dollars
singing jazz?
- Start with two million.
- How many jazz musicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
-
- None. Jazz musicians can't afford
light bulbs.
- "Don't worry about the changes.
We'll fake it!"
- How do you turn a duck into a soul
artist?
- Put it in the oven until its (it's)
Bill Withers.
Michael Caine goes up to Milton Berle
during a party and asks, "What kind of cigar are you smoking
there?"
"It's a Lawrence Welk." says Milton.
"What's a Lawrence Welk?"
Michael asks.
Milton says "It's a piece of crap with
a band wrapped around it."
Angus was asked why there were drones
on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He
answered, "Without the drones, I might as well be playing the
piano."
Two musicians are driving down a road.
All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat.
Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died.
But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each
musician with one last request to remind them of their past life
on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western
musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky
Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says "I was a
jazz musician...kill me now!"
I was playing in a night club, and
getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the
night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked
me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing,
but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A
jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor,
"I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have
only one more year to live."
The Jazz musician replied, "And what am
I going to live on for an entire year?"
General
- What's the difference between a bull
and an orchestra?
- The bull has the horns in the front
and the asshole in the back.
- A conductor and a violist are
standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over
first, and why?
- The conductor. Business before
pleasure.
- Why are conductor's hearts so
coveted for transplants?
- They've had so little use.
- What's the difference between a
conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
- The sack.
- What do you have when a group of
conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete?
- Not enough concrete.
- Did you hear about the planeload of
conductors en route to the European Festival?
- The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
- What's the difference between a
symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads?
- Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the
feet.
- What's the difference between a pig
and a symphony orchestra conductor?
- There are some things a pig just
isn't willing to do.
- What is the ideal weight for a
conductor?
- About 2 1/2 lbs. including the urn.
- Why is a conductor like a condom?
- It's safer with one, but more fun
without.
- What's the difference between God
and a conductor?
- God knows He's not a conductor.
- What's the definition of an
assistant conductor?
- A mouse trying to become a rat.
- What's the difference between alto
clef and Greek?
- Some conductors actually read Greek.
- What do do with a horn player that
can't play?
- Give him two sticks, put him in the
back, and call him a percussionist.
- What do you do if he can't do that?
- Take away one of the sticks, put him
up front, and call him a conductor.
- What's the difference between an
opera conductor and a baby?
- A baby sucks its fingers.
A musician calls the symphony office to
talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry,he's dead," comes the reply.
The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she
asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
A musician arrived at the pearly gates.
"What did you do when you were alive?"
asked St. Peter.
"I was the principal trombone player of
the London Symphony Orchestra"
"Excellent! We have a vacancy in our
celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you
turn up at the next rehearsal."
So, when the time for the next
rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly
trombone [sic]. As he took his seat God moved, in a
mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the
players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second
trombonist (!) and whispered, "So, what's God like as a
conductor?"
"Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but
occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."
It was the night of the big symphony
concert, and all the town notables showed up to hear it.
However, it was getting close to 8 o'clock and the conductor
hadn't yet shown up. The theater's manager was getting
desperate, knowing that he'd have to refund everyone's money if
he cancelled the concert, so he went backstage and asked all the
musicians if any could conduct.
None of them could, so he went around
and asked the staff if any of them could conduct. He had no luck
there either, so he started asking people in the lobby, in the
hope that maybe one of them could conduct the night's concert.
He still hadn't found anyone, so he
went outside and started asking everybody passing by if they
could conduct. He had no luck whatsoever and by this time the
concert was 15 minutes late in starting. The assistant manager
came out to say that the crowd was getting restless and about
ready to demand their money back.
The desperate manager looked around and
spied a cat, a dog, and a horse standing in the street. "Oh,
what the heck," he exclaimed, "let's ask them--what do we have
to lose?"
So the manager and assistant manager
went up to the cat, and the manager asked "Mr. cat, do you know
how to conduct?" The cat meowed "I don't know, I'll try," but
though it tried really hard, it just couldn't stand upright on
its hind legs. The manager sighed and thanked the cat, and then
moved on to the dog.
"Mr. dog," he asked, "do you think you
can conduct?" The dog woofed "Let me see," but although it was
able to stand up on its hind legs and wave its front paws
around, it just couldn't keep upright long enough to last
through an entire movement.
"Well, nice try," the manager told the
dog, and with a sigh of resignation turned to the horse. "Mr.
horse," he asked, "how about you--can you conduct?" The horse
looked at him for a second and then without a word turned
around, presented its hind end, and started swishing its tail in
perfect four-four time.
"That's it!" the manager exclaimed,
"the concert can go on!" However, right then the horse dropped a
load of plop onto the street. The assistant manager was
horrified, and he told the manager "We can't have this horse
conduct! What would the orchestra think?"
The manager looked first at the horse's
rear end and then at the plop lying in the street and replied
"trust me--from this angle, the orchestra won't even know they
have a new conductor!"
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